Losing It

Between the Lines

Some days I am able to actually see the skinny girl I once was, or will be again, inside of this now larger shell. It may be when I get out of the shower in the morning and while sucking in my stomach I see what I would look like with flat abs and the curved indentation of a waist. It may be when I'm on the elliptical trainer and I remember how good it felt when I was a competitive runner to get out there and breeze through a 3 mile race. It may be when I'm laying quietly in bed visualizing myself with tone, strong arms able to do a chin-up.

Today, however, is not one of those days. Today my knees ache when I stand up after sitting at my desk for too long. Today my hip hurts just while I sit still here.

Last week Julie posted a story about how difficult it used to be to bend down simply to pick up a pen. I used to be the person that did that without a thought but now I find that I need to grab onto something frequently to pull myself back up. How did I let it get to this point-where I'm actually afraid that I might see another century on the scale? Where I dread having to squat down to pull something out of my lower cabinets?